Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I wish I could mute people in real life.

My life feels like a test I didn't study for.

My brain: Go to sleep. Also my brain: Remember that thing from 8 years ago? Let's think about it for 3 hours.

I'm not random. I just have many thoughts. At once. In no order.

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

I clapped because it's finished, not because I liked it.

If at first you don't succeed, try doing what I told you the first time.

Life is short. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Take the trip.

Cool story. Remind me when to laugh.

I need new haters. The old ones became fans.