Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act.
It was a stage he was going through.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and probably just took the biggest vowel movement ever.

Huge fight at a seafood restaurant.
Battered fish everywhere...

I was bitten by a mosquito last night.
Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today.

Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

You really got to hand it to short people, mainly because they can't reach it...

I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

I often get confused as an adult because of my age.

I can't decide what pants to put on today, smarty or fancy.

Checking the fridge for the 10th time to see if anything new appeared.