Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist.

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

You're the peanut butter to my jelly.

Anything done before the first coffee of the day is a self-defense mechanism.

Smile while you still have teeth.

I don't understand how I can remember a song from 1984, but forget why I walked into the kitchen.

I follow a diet, but it doesn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it.

I know I'm a handful, but that's why you have two hands.