Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Me: I need to be productive. My computer: Time for a software update!

You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say "guess what?"

My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??

I'm the reason they have to mute voice chat in multiplayer.

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer selective participation.

No one goes before their time, unless the boss leaves early.

We never really mature as we age. We only learn how to act in public.

I need a six month vacation, twice a year.

I call todays hairstyle 'I tried'

Think like a proton. Always positive.