Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Never hint to a printer you are in a rush. Those bastards can smell fear.

Dear Microsoft word. I am pretty sure I spelt my name correctly.

I don't procrastinate. I delegate tasks to my future self.

I tripped and hit my head on a drum. I think I have a percussion.

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.

I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves. The correct answer was blood vessels.

Remember when air for your tires at the gas station was free, but now its $2? Do you know why? Inflation.