Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand and 4 in the other. What do I have in total?
Student: A drinking problem.

After the doctor left the room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

To the person that stole my glasses - I will find you, I have contacts.

I'm launching another series of books aimed at kids. Maybe this time I'll hit a few

While most puns make me feel numb, math puns make me number

"Yeah, I pretty much don't sit by the pool anymore."
- Marco Polo

Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires exist in space.

The inventor of the heat index has died.
He was 88, but felt like 107.

What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

I told the doctor that I'd like to do my own stitches.
He said, Suture self.