Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I just ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I'll let you know.

I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went... then it dawned on me.

I need a new friend. The last one escaped.

What's the best way to open an egg? Hatchet.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days, but in medieval times, people were named lance a lot.

I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties. Now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

I'm not doing well in my reverse origami class. I'll let you know how it unfolds.

I was meant to keep my joke about manholes a secret. Guess I have blown my cover

In my life I've cut down 173 trees. I know because each time I keep a log.