Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

The inventor of the heat index has died.
He was 88, but felt like 107.

What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

I told the doctor that I'd like to do my own stitches.
He said, Suture self.

I told a joke on a zoom meeting and nobody laughed.
Turns out I'm not even remotely funny.

A cigar is just a yoga session with fire.

The economy has changed so much. When I was a kid, I could walk into a store with $1 and walk out with 4 candy bars. Now they have cameras everywhere.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Life is like a bird. It's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.