Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

I found stir-fry on my bed this morning. I must have been sleep wokking again.

I was going to put on a sock puppet show, but I got cold feet.

What building in New York City has the most stories? The public library.

I believe the finest shoes are made of smooth leather. My opinion will never be suede.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.

Life is like a movie so make sure you pick up good songs for the soundtrack.

When I was born I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half.

I just did my comedy act at the local jail, and it was quite a captive audience.