Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I never said most of the things I said.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist.

I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.