Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I bought a push-up bra... it didn't help.
I could still only do about 6.

Caller ID isn't enough for me. I need to know why you're calling.

If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

I like when you smile, but I love it when I'm the reason.

I put my root beer in a square cup.
Now it's just beer.

Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale.

Everyday is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

A guy was admitted to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

I love going outdoors.
It's much safer than going out windows.