Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I like my racks big, my butts smoked, and my sauces tangy.

If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.

Negativity infects the brain like weeds taking over a garden.

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.

Lost time is never found again.

I bought a push-up bra... it didn't help.
I could still only do about 6.

Caller ID isn't enough for me. I need to know why you're calling.

If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

I like when you smile, but I love it when I'm the reason.