Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

I once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.

Life is like a movie so make sure you pick up good songs for the soundtrack.

When I was born I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half.

I just did my comedy act at the local jail, and it was quite a captive audience.

I think I managed to fix my friend's broken microphone. Still waiting for some feedback.

I hate gravity humour, I fall for it ever time.

I grilled a chicken last night... He still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road..

Earth: a planet so strange it thinks it’s the main character.

Chinese take-out, $9.85, Tip, $2. Getting home and finding part of your order missing, riceless.