Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I like putting my music on shuffle but then I get annoyed when it doesn't play the songs I want.

I wanted to give my Uber driver advice instead of cash,
but that wouldn't be fare.

Using the wrong tool during surgery can be heart wrenching.

I don't know the secret to happiness, but I tell you what, I have never been sad at a Mexican restaurant.

Sometimes I put the "PRO" in procrastination.

Enjoy the warmth of August because we are approaching the series of BRR months.

At the advent of it's invention the guillotine was considered cutting edge technology.

I never should have given my actual email address to Swatch.
Now I'm on some sort of international watch list.

A man has died after falling into a vat of coffee. It was instant.

I was pulled over this morning, and the cop asked if I had a police record. I said no, but I have a Sting CD.