Funny Statuses, Quotes & One-Liners

I thought about making a fake ID, but that’s just not who I am...

I write bowling jokes on my spare time.

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one, free of charge.

Inhale confidence. Exhale Doubt.

Straight roads do not make skillful drivers.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Time is a great healer but a lousy beautician.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to who can't.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian. Now I need a Cairo practor.